Star's Completely Unhealthy Obsession with Angel
by Flitter
Summary: Insane1 is terrorising the cast. Come save them by asking questions on the show where hilarity rules!(And madness)
1. Scraping bloody director outta the carpe...

Star's Complete, and Unhealthy Obsession with Angel and All Concerning  
  
Notes From Star: there's one for every programme, now we get a question and answer for AI and believe me, you want an old flame to appear? Review, tell me, and they'll appear!  
  
  
  
Star: Hello, and welcome to Star's Complete Obsession with Angel, and All concerning, hereby briefed to SCOAAC . Welcome, cast.  
  
(From offstage) Where the hell are we?  
  
Star: In my cellar. Now get out here, before I bring Faith into this!  
  
(The crew appears. Fast)  
  
Gunn: We don't need no encouragement like that. That Faith chick's one hell of a scary lady!  
  
Star: so you're scared of her.  
  
Gunn: No, I'm just sayin', she's a scary lady.  
  
Star: so you're all scared of her?  
  
(The cast nod)  
  
Star: thought so, let's move on. Introduce yourselves.  
  
Connor:Do we havta?  
  
Star: Yes, what I say goes.  
  
Connor: Damn.  
  
Angel : I'l go first  
  
Cordy : No you damn well won't! You may be first in the credits, buster, but I'm still the beautiful girl who's been there since Season 1! It's my turn.!  
  
Star: A little trouble in the ranks, huh? Wes, why don't you go first?  
  
Angel: That son of a motherfuc..  
  
Star: If you complete that sentence Angel, honey, You'll find a pokey piece of wood inserted up your ass. Comprendo?  
  
Angel: (Looking green) perfectly.  
  
Lorne: (looking at Angel's green face) You've been playing with my make up, haven't you Angelcakes!  
  
Star: shut up! They don't know who you are yet! Fred, you go first.  
  
Fred: Hi, I'm Fred.  
  
Star: oh.kay then. Can you expand on that at all, that being the purpose of our little session in the studio?  
  
Wesley: (muttering) basement  
  
Star: The same applies to you Wesley, if you don't shut up.  
  
Wesley: understood. I'll just sit in this nice chair until it's my turn.  
  
Star: You do that.  
  
Fred: I'm a librarian with a nucleur physicist's sized brain, who got sucked into a demon dimension by a book. (looks straight at camera) Books are bad.  
  
Star: Okay, you can stop now honey. Lorne, you're up.  
  
Lorne: I'm a demon from said dimension, that *used* (glares at Angel) to own a karioke bar.  
  
Angel: (holding hands up) It was an accident!  
  
Lorne: All three times??!!!  
  
Star: okay boys, back in your corners. Angel, I know the concept may feel difficult after an abnormally large time as the star, but we actually want to listen to *Lorne * now.  
  
(Angel pouts)  
  
Connor :(staring) Dad, get *over * it!  
  
Star: Thank you ! Cordy, you're up!  
  
  
  
Cordy: HI, I'm Cordelia. I was a princess in said dimensioon, but I was a cheerleader in highschool, who made Buffy, the thing we're spun off from, life living hell. Now I'm a maternal figure to Connor here, and intended to prove the writers aren't sexsist, by showing that I'm just as important as Angel. I have bizarre powers *no one * understands, but it's all a plot twist.  
  
Star: And you couldn't have gone with, Hi I'm Cordy, vision girl?  
  
Cordy: Oh, I have visions from a left over love interest that they killed off, because I couldn't *possibly * be happy on this show.  
  
Star: And it's a wrap.  
  
(Joss Whedon falls from the sky, well ceiling, and falls to the floor looking dazed. The cast realises who he is, and start pummeling him with whatever they can grab, in Angel's case, using Wesley. )  
  
Star: Okay, don't know how that happened, but it works. Guys out there, write reviews with your questions, and I'll put them to the gang here. See ya after a short break. (Goes in to rescue Joss, and then whales on him herself witrh cries of ' how could you be so *stoopid* ?" )  
  
  
  
Please review! I need questions! 


	2. Thank you *so* much for pissing them all...

Thank you insane1. You stay there, okay? This is mine!  
  
Notes From Star: Okay, I *know * this has been done, I said so. But mine's funnier! Okay, Joss has miraculously disappeared, taking the bloody pulp that *was * his head out of the carpet with him. Good. On with the show.  
  
Star: right. We're back. Again. (glares at Angel) we wouldn't have been so long(sarcasm here, cos this is the second chapter in a day) except Mr Broody here went phsyco on us!  
  
Angel: Hey, I have reasons. He's ruined my life! And thanks *so * much Insane1. I was looking forward to killing him while Star had her back turned.  
  
Star: you made Angel cry. Thank you for achieving the oh so ordinary since Connor appeared.  
  
Insane1: What's it like knowing you're not the only vamp with a soul?  
  
Angel: It stinks. (sulks) I *used * to be unique. It kinda made up for the *no sex * business. Now he's boinking Buffy, *and * she loves him!  
  
Star: ok ay then! Moving on. More questions. How would you feel if it turned out you weren't the one to Shansu?  
  
Angel: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?????(gets up, and looks murderous)  
  
Cordy(grabbing his arm) What the *hell * did you ask that for?!  
  
Star: Don't look at me! It was the reviewer! (looks into camera) Consider your questions a little more carefully please? I don't want to have to scrape myself outta the carpet.  
  
Wesley: (under his breath) there *is * no carpet. We're in a basement.  
  
Star: (shoots a look at him) Wes, hon, I can *still * bring Faith here. And I will. If ya don't shut up!  
  
Wesley: staying seated.  
  
Star: good. Next question. Connor, why are the 15 yr olds of the BTVS and AI world so act like brats all the time? Again, from Insane1. (looks straight at her) This is starting to get on my nerves, hon! You keep asking the questions that get them all riled up! (to Connor) Oh, and introduce yourself.  
  
Connor: Hi, I'm Connor/Stephen. I'm the son of that great toddler over *there *(pointing at Angel) and a hell bitch who sired him. Who he slept with. When he had a soul. Why do I feel queasy when I think of my ancestry? And in answer to your question, how the hell should I know? I've only been in this dimension three episodes! And, hey, split personality thing going on here! (looks hurt) it's a problem, alright?  
  
Star: okay hon! (looks coyly) And by the way, you are *really * the better cross between those mixed up vamps you call parents. (looks at audience) What? Has no-one else noticed?!  
  
Insane1: Can Lindsey and Doyle appear please?  
  
Star: Sure they can since you asked so nicely! (muttering) and I stole this from the BTVS version *you * wrote!  
  
Insane!: (hands on hips) Hey! It was *my * really cool idea then!  
  
Star: watch it! I have ultimate power here! I can set Faith on you! And while I'm thinking about it, Faith, why don't you come on down?  
  
(Lindsey, Doyle and Faith appear in chairs)  
  
Wesley and Gunn: Aaaaaaaaaah! (they jump onto their chairs)  
  
Star: Oh come down ya big wussies! (smiles at Faith) Faith wouldn't hurt a fly until I told her to, wouldya Faith? (Faith smiles back, and kills a fly. The AI team gulp.)  
  
Star: Right, that's it. I'm fed up with having my authority questioned. Insane1, back in the audience. Faith, you're going down.  
  
(Handcuffs lock Faith into place, and she is gagged.)  
  
Star: Now, when someone addresses a question to her, she'll be ungagged. Until them (raises one eyebrow) Guys, you can get down now, the scary lady is immobilised.  
  
Gunn: How dya know she won't think that's a scary type a foreplay?  
  
Star: (sweetly and through gritted teeth) I just know, all right?  
  
Star: I'll finish off Insane1's questions, and then the intros of those of you that haven't done so . Lindsey, how ya bin?  
  
Lindsey: well, ya know, evil hand went on a rampage, and kinda killed the senior partner's puppies.( the audience looks stunned) Hey, I have any evil hand, whatcha expect?  
  
Star: That, is enough of *that *! Behave yourself!  
  
Lindsey: Anyway, I'm an evil lawyer from Seasons one and two, who falls in love with Darla, and gets his hand cut off by Angel over there. What can I say? The guy got the girl * and* my hand! (shakes head ruefully)  
  
Audience: Awwwwwwwwwwww!  
  
Connor: Wait a second. *This * guy could have been my father? (looks at Angel) I request a plot change. Lindsey gets the girl.  
  
Audience: (nods heads)  
  
Angel: (indignant) Wait a sec..  
  
Star: Shut up! Doyle, speak a few words to the lady. Lets see if she collapses.  
  
Doyle: Roit. Good. Top o' the mornin' t';ya.  
  
Star: (taps foot on floor) I don't think that was *quite * what she meant, Doyle!  
  
Doyle: What can I do? Angel's massacred the Irish accent while I've been away! It's a laughing stock! (looks over to Angel) No offence, mate.  
  
Angel: No, it's fair.  
  
Star: Finally, Gunn, you introduce yourself.  
  
Gunn: Hi, I'm Charles Gunn, and I'm in charge of a bitchin' street group that kills vamps. For no money. Yet I still wear a different outfit each episode. (holding Fred's hand) Oh, and I'm in love with Fred here.  
  
Star: And who does that make feel sick to their stomach?  
  
Faith:" I know I do;  
  
Star: shut up. Come on, people, did *no one * want to see Wesley *finally * get the girl? I know I was rootin for ya Wes!  
  
Wesley : thank you. Now I sleep with Lilah. How the standards on this show have fallen.  
  
(Gasps from everyone)  
  
Wesley: What?  
  
Star: Now as I choose to waive the question about the stupidity of Gunn and the truck for his soul, yes, we all realised it was a stoopid thing to do, I'll leave you so we can all have a shouting match at Wesley for sleeping with something so disgusting,  
  
(Joins fray, saying 'at least he wasn't thinking about her!')  
  
  
  
I need more questions. 


	3. Just to tie a few things up...

Forgot Wes hasn't been introduced. Not my fault, ya hit me with questions before I was ready! Not complaining though!(grin)  
  
Notes From Star: short Chapter this one, it's to tie everything up before we move on. And Angel's calmed down now, so we can carry on. Lindsay's been looking quite shocked, what, he can sleep with Lilah, but Wes isn't allowed? Although I think the show's standard in sex partners for him has dropped (remember the redhead) I do admire his lines inn the morning after bit of Angel. Btw, what *does * ATS stand for?  
  
Star: Welcome back, after that brief interlude. Angel here has been put out of action for this chapter, he's having a time out for trying to pull Wes's face off. Anyway, let's run over the other characters. We have Faith in the studio, tell us when your character appeared, and what you're like, Faith?  
  
Gunn: 'cough' a slut 'cough'  
  
Faith: I heard that! I'm like the cooler version of the Slayer, but no- one's really bothered to find out what I'm like, except Angel. So I turn up in LA after unsuccessfully trying to steal Buffy's life(not as weird as it sounds) and SwF ing her, and Angel tries to help me. Buff turns up, chews me and her exhoney out, I torture Wes, and skip town. Then I do the redemption thing in jail.  
  
Cordelia: She's a skeezebag.  
  
Faith: Honey, I know exactly what you want to do with Angel. And it *can't * be done. Joss has banned all happiness from this in the hope the angst won't run out.  
  
Star: Point taken. Cordelia, it's not helpful to revert to Queen C in the studio.  
  
Lindsey: Basement.  
  
Star: Shut up.  
  
Faith: When are ya gonna untie me? I promise I won't touch Wes.(Muttering) like I'd *want * to, but there ya go.  
  
Star: Fine. Sic him.  
  
Wes: (high pitched girly scream)  
  
Star: It's amusing to see that although you're trying to toughen up your character, you still remain Wesley Windham Price. We'll get Doyle to introduce himself while Faith manages to get blood spatters actually deeply embedded in the carpet. I've got PMS. Wesley's paying the price.  
  
Doyle: I'm the vision guy before Cordelia's around. I'm half Bracchian(is that spelt right?) demon, and I fall in love wit Cordy as soon as I lay my piercingly blue eyes on her.  
  
Lindsey: 'cough' contacts 'cough'  
  
Star: shut up Lindsey, or shall I bring Darla into this? The murderous vamp still in love with Angel .  
  
Lindsey: Hey, I have an evil hand. You ought to give a guya break!  
  
Star: I'll give ya an evil tongue in a minute! (Pats Doyle's arm) carry on, sweetie.  
  
Doyle: But bein the feckless sort, ol' Cordy here don't want nothin to do wit me. Then I sacrafice meself, and pass on the visions, and Cordelia decides she *does * want me, after all! Do they give me a tough break or what?  
  
Star: Yup. They get rid of the cute guys, It's not fair, the world makes sense once again, yadadadada..  
  
Star: We'll be right back when you've asked some questions. I can't do this on my own ya know!  
  
Lindsey: what about this chapter?  
  
Star: Lilah! Get in here! Now! ..... 


	4. Don't leave me alone with them!

People, do you not *realise * the meaning of the word 'question'??!!! Requests for a Buffy/Cordy cat fight, do not constitute as questions. I will do it, but just this once! This is what happens if I'm left alone!  
  
  
  
Notes From Star: Wesley is goop on the carpet, Angel's returned from a time out, and Lindsey's stripped naked and tied to his chair. I'm bored, okay?  
  
Star: (twiddling pencil idly) Guys? Knock knock? Anyone there? Ask questions dammit!  
  
Lindsey: This is kinda uncomfertable, ya know.  
  
Star: shut up. Anyone ask for you to be released? No! You stay tied up until they do.  
  
Lilah: Has anyone actually noticed that I'm here?  
  
Star: yeah, but we're too bored to care. Angel honey, how ya hangin in there?  
  
Angel: Please can I eat Wesley?  
  
Star: I'd let you on the off chance it might liven things up, but Faith's all ready trodden him into the carpet. Too late!  
  
Angel: Oh.  
  
Star: Yup.  
  
Lilah: Doesn't anyone want to know what really happened the night Wes and I screwed?  
  
Star: (looking round the audience and cast) Nope, don't think we do!  
  
Conner: D'ya think I could stake my dad?  
  
Star: I would let ya, and I will if no-one reviews in a hurry, but not just yet sweetheart, kay?  
  
Faith: Can ya bring B here? Cos that PrincessCordelia asked for her, and I'm kinda looking for a fight. Wesley moosh doesn't put up much of one.  
  
Star: (claps hands) Your wish is my command. (catches sight of Fred and Gunn) Hey, stop that!  
  
Fred: But we're bored!  
  
Star: Well making the audience barf isn't gonna move things along any faster, * is* it now!  
  
Fred: Point taken.  
  
Star: Anyway, Buffy's gonna turn up any second.  
  
(Buffy falls screaming from the ceiling. The audience glare at Star accusingly,)  
  
Star: Hey, she's too pretty! (mumbling) she never get's bruises anyway!  
  
Lindsey: Shut up!  
  
Star: (gobsmacked) Did you, did you just tell *me * to shut up? Oh boy, you're in for a shock! Faith, take him away! Buffy will have enough of a shock about the lame A/C storylines without bringing Faith into the equation.  
  
  
  
(Faith carrys Lindsey offstage onto a big bed. Screaming ensues)  
  
  
  
Star: Right, a new arrival. How'dya feel, Buff Buff?  
  
Buffy:Don't ever call me that.  
  
Star: Fine, you *want * to be dressed in a thong and bra, and nothing else, carry on talking.  
  
Buffy: (wincing) Understood. Who put you in charge, anyway?  
  
Star: I did. (snaps fingers)  
  
Buffy: Oh man. This looked bad on *Anya *!  
  
(Buffy is dressed in Anya's outfit from OMWF)  
  
Star: You asked for it. And all the guys watching were begging me to do it.  
  
Cordy:Could ya put me in my Pylea outfit, since she's dressed in *that *?  
  
Star: (evil grin) Sure thing. (Cordy is dressed in Cow outfit.)  
  
Cordy: Not fair!  
  
Buffy: (staring at Cordy's hair) Oh boy! The crush thing went way over the top, huh? Now you're *blonde *? Is this some kind of Angel trap?  
  
Cordy: He seemed to fall for it.  
  
Buffy : (staring at Cordy) What the fuc..  
  
Star: I repeat earlier statement. Buff, if ya complete that sentence, ya get a pointy bit of wood up your ass. If ya wanna go ahead, fine by me.  
  
Cordy: There's already one up there. It needs to be surgically removed!  
  
(Audience claps)  
  
Buffy: excu..se me? Did you just say what I thought you said? ( pulls stake out) And would you mind repeating it?  
  
Cordy: Hey, you don't need a spike to shut me up. Hey, you've *still * got that shoved up your ass!  
  
(Angel snaps out of his reverie)  
  
Angel: Excuse me??!!!  
  
  
  
Star: See, this is why I need reviews, a bitch fight is *never * a good idea!  
  
Cordy: She's screwing Spike, has been for the past six months.  
  
Angel: So I guess it's a vamp thing, huh Buffy.  
  
Buffy: Excuse me! You seem to have a thing for dumb airhead cheerleaders now!  
  
Cordy: Now I'm half demon.  
  
Buffy: Exactly. Becoming what the rest of the Scoobies knew you always were.  
  
Connor: Plus he screwed Darla.  
  
Buffy: ( momentarily confused) I thought I staked her?  
  
Connor: Yeah, well Angel did it again, a lot more recently.  
  
Buffy: Who the hell are you??  
  
Connor: Connor/Steven Angel/Holtz  
  
Cordy: Oh boy we have to sort your name out!  
  
Buffy: Did you just say Angel?  
  
Connor: Yeah, I'm a by product of said screwing.  
  
(Buffy socks Angel in the nose)  
  
  
  
Angel: Hey!  
  
Star: Don't worry, handsome, she does it all the time to Spike. (under my breath) only he seems to consider it foreplay.  
  
Angel: Whaaaaaaaaaaaat!!!!!!  
  
Star: Forgot about vamp hearing.  
  
Angel:that's okay. (hits Buffy)  
  
Connor: (puzzled) If Buffy is screwing Angel's grandchilde, who by the way must be a weird kind of nephew, isn't that incest in a vampy way?  
  
Star: Thank you!  
  
Buffy: Oh you would so get on with Dawn!  
  
Connor :Who's Dawn?  
  
Angel: (eyes widening) No way in hell! He's a teenager! So's she! Do you imaginwe what they'll *do * together??!!  
  
Buffy: (rolling eyes) Oh, come on Angel, Dawn's my little sister!  
  
Angel: They'll be 17 next series. Do you remember what happened with us when *you * turned 17??  
  
Buffy: (to Connor) You are never going near my sister! I gotta go put Dawn in a convent.  
  
Angel: Oh, I know some good ones.  
  
Star: And we'll *stop* ! Angel, you disgust me!  
  
Angel: Angelus did it, not me!  
  
Star: sure, that's what they all say! 


	5. Stop *Bugging* Me!

Notes From Star: Anyone out there no how to *stop * the site from not letting people who don't have a sign in name putting reviews up, PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE tell me. It's done it automatically, and it's *very * annoying!  
  
Also, Faith is under my control. This is my fanfic, therefore my law goes. And Faith's been in prison for two, maybe three years. She's a little ready to fight. So I *can * set her on anyone, and Lindsey has taken care of her, uh, *needs * aka Fish boy, but she's spoilin for a fight. Don't test me! Plus, Joss is coming back at the end. All questions toward him will be saved till then. Buffy got pissed with him in *another * game show, and kicked him into ours by mistake. He had no time to ask questions, I'm going to have to dose Angel with tranquillisers as it is to get him back, so *you * lot can yell at him!  
  
Okay, =) .Rant over!  
  
Star: Welcome back! We have a *few * questions to put to the gang, then we're rejoined by our *favourite * audience member, you guessed it, Insane1!  
  
Angel: (muttering) Insane is right!  
  
Star: *Anyway*! CLF, why don't you go first?  
  
CLF: Buffy & Angel...let's see. Angel, you slept with your sire who was also your...I think grandchilde? And Buffy, you slept your ex's grandchilde, and so my question is, which of you two is more messed up? And do you have any choice words for each other?  
  
  
  
Fred & Gunn - any plans to stop with the cutsie lovey-dovey stuff sometime in the next season? Because it's driving some of us nuts...  
  
  
  
Lindsey - how's that evil hand thing working for ya? What have you been up to lately? We miss you!  
  
  
  
To Star - any chance we could see Spike and Angel duke it out over Buffy?  
  
  
  
And finally, to Joss's severed head - when will Wes get the girl? And not the evil bitch girl - please, the man has suffered enough, show SOME mercy...  
  
  
  
Star: Interesting! And the best part is, making them answer! (evil grin)  
  
Buffy: I've moved on! Spike and I broke up! Do I *have * to answer that question?  
  
Star: Yup.  
  
Spike: Yeah, we broke up, *after * you broke my heart!  
  
Audience: Awwwwwww!  
  
Buffy: (glaring at Star) Where'd he come from?  
  
Star: He's cute, he's here, I make the rules. Answer the damn question.  
  
Buffy: Well, I was screwed up when I *started* sleeping with Spike, and so I think Angel is the depraved one here! And sure, I have a *few* choice words, ya wanna hear them??  
  
Star: Much as I like tension between the lovebirds..  
  
Angel and Buffy: We are *not * lovebirds!!  
  
Star: Sure! That's why you have the soppy background music whenever you meet up, which makes everyone cry, because you're *so* not soulmates!  
  
Audience: (nod heads)  
  
Star: Anyhoo, Buff, ya can't call Angel *anything * other than Angel, cos that would raise the rating of this fanfiction, and it'd get pulled down,  
  
Connor: And she'd get a stake shoved up her ass. (Examines Buffy) And she's got a nice one, too. Nice choice Dad!  
  
Star: That was gross and disturbing. But true about the stake. Shut up. I'm beginning to see that Insane1 was right about teenagers on BTVS and AI. Angel sweetie, you answer it.  
  
Angel : Damn! Hoping you'd forgotten me!  
  
Star: (evil grin) No such luck honeybunch! Check the reviews. If I miss something, they remind me!  
  
Angel: I hate this!  
  
Star: Tough. Now do I have to put you in another costume from OMWF to get you to talk, or do you prefer your own clothes.  
  
Angel: Buffy is. She's the one who has a thing about the order of Aurelius.  
  
Star: Good answer. Next question. Oh, Fred and Gunn. This is something I'm dying to find out. Only I can *make * it happen!  
  
Fred: Charles, she's being mean to me! (Sniffs pathetically. Then is amazed when the audience don't go Awwww)  
  
Star: You've played that card once to many times. And Gunn, if ya even think about answering that cry for help, remember Faith is still around, and ready to kill something.  
  
Gunn: Sweetheart, I, (looks at Star, then offstage, then at audience and gulps) I think we should break up.  
  
Star: Yeees! (Looks at Fred and Gunn) Oh, please continue.  
  
Gunn:That';s it.  
  
Star: Cutsieness over. Next question.  
  
Lindsey: Yeah, the evil hand thing is great. Just, evil, ya know?  
  
Star: Where did you come from?  
  
Lindsey: Faith can't beat a lawyer in the evil stakes. She's sleeping it off.  
  
Star: (Shooting a look at Gunn) If you even think about it, I'll set Buffy on you.  
  
Buffy: Yup. Looking for some anger management classes, couldn't find any, want to kill somethin.(Glaring at Angel)  
  
Star: Next question, to , me? Oh, God! What *is * it with you people? Why this craving for fights? Spike is here now, maybe afight later. But Angel is still recovering from Buffy's arrival, and I don't think that SpikeAngel fights are a good idea when Joss is coming. Angel's rather good at fights, and finishing Spike off is something I *don't* want to happen! And again, with the all questions to Joss at the *end *.  
  
(sees Insane1)  
  
Star: Oh God, the hurricane is back. And it brought more questions.  
  
Insane1: Hmmph. Indignant sighing. My poor Lindsey...So i have a thing for him? So what?  
  
Now, to Angel and Buffy, Dawn and Connor together? Oh PUH-LEASE! Firstly- i doubt that the crossovers would ever happen. Secondly- I don't think Connor would go for someone like Dawn. I mean, she's a whinger. It must be a Summers thing, hey? Sorry Buff, but you both are. You seem to lack logic and maturity. I know, you've had a lot to deal with...but DEAL WITH IT!  
  
Connor, i know you'd never go for Dawn anyway. And i totally support your request for a plot change. Especially if more Lindsey would come of it...  
  
Ahh...meanwhile, threatening me with Faith wasn't so smart. I happen to like Faith. She's the best Slayer in my books so far. I like her attitude too. So Go Faith!  
  
Hmm...i don't think you ever asked about the vision related pain, and i'm still curious about the lack of continuity. Any ideas?  
  
  
  
Buffy: I resent that! I came back from the dead, you realise! And I was sleeping with *Spike *! What's not to whinge about?  
  
Star: (Quickly) I think we'd better skip that, before Buffy becomes as unpopular as Cordelia was!  
  
Buffy: Hey! I'm not done!  
  
Star: Honey, he has a soul now. And you've lost him. *Now* how do you feel about that hunk of goodness?  
  
Spke: Thank you!  
  
Star: No problem, Sugar!  
  
(Buffy is looking confused, and repeatong 'Spike has a soul' over and over)  
  
Star: That'll keep her busy for the next few hours! The lack of continuity is expressed in the book Slayer, the unofficial gide to Buffy, and there's an Angel one, too. Go read that, and stop bugging me! Connor would agree with you on the Dawn front, but he's kissing her at the moment , she appeared and rambled about bewing a kiss slut that he, and *only * he found adorable, and they're making out off stage.  
  
  
  
Angel: Whaaaaat! (to Buffy) Keep your sister *away* from him!  
  
Buffy: Hey! He found it adorable! That makes *him* the weird one, not her!  
  
Star: (hastily) Let's just agree that *both* teens are weird, and move on. Insane1 have you quite finished? Good! Now go and sit down back in the audience, like a nice lunatic. Blodwyn, you're up.  
  
  
  
Blodwyn: Where did Lorne go????  
  
  
  
and get the Groosalug in here and ask him why on earth he let Cordy cut his hair off!!!!  
  
and how about seeing our fave lawyer boss Holland Manners, how freaked would everybody be....  
  
  
  
Star: Lorne's here, he's just doing an aura rading on Faith while she's still out of it. Something about her feelings being clear for *anyone* to read. I *hate* the groosalug with short hair. Say it with me, 'bad Angel substitute while Cordy was in denile!'  
  
  
  
Cordy: I god, don't bring *him * back. He'll probably have some giant dead thing, nd insist on talking abou that and Com Shukking until this writer get's bored.  
  
Star: All correct, up till the bored bit. Already dislike him. Like Angel better. Groo's staying in the toybox, petal.  
  
Cordy: Good!  
  
Star: Since Dru and Darla are gonna show up eventually, why bring Manners into this? Why not order them a free "evil lawyer to go"? That's what'll happen, anyway! We'll end it here, while Angel trys to explain to his ex and Connor about Darla, and the rest of the crew piss themselves at the thought of two mad *vampire * bitches joining us.  
  
R/R please! 


	6. Apologies for the crap I wrote

Star: From the feedback I'm getting, no one liked the Cxhapter 6 up here before. Now I'm gonna beg you not to ignore this, that *was* the worst chapter, it *has* been pulled, and a new one is in place. I'm also persuading a very *good* author, who everyone has seen around the site to co-host, and hopefully, this will be far funnier, and better with her input. Keep your eyes peeled for new changes, and I promise I will never write such horse sh*te again!  
  
Thanks again to those of you who stuck through, and wrote cnonstructive critisism. I do need telling to get off my shelf, and write non crap, so thanks to all of you. 


	7. Insane1 rules!

Notes From Star~: Hey guys, those of you who actualy *read* this stuff! I don't know why I write it, but I do! Sorry it's bin awhile in coming, but I had to destroy the last chapter I wrote cos it was just as bad as Chapter 6!  
  
Star: Okay, we're back, and questions, questions! Darla and Drusilla have joined us, and I don't think the crew like them very much. Gunn appears to be clutching a stake, and Cordy's well. Cordy! Stop that!  
  
(Cordelia is trying to shoot them with a crossbow)  
  
Cordy: They're evil! And she tried to eat me!  
  
Star: Darla!  
  
Darla: (shrugs) I'm a *vampire*!  
  
Star: And soon you'll become a little pile of dust. Behave!  
  
(Darla mutters something)  
  
Star: I'm ignoring that! First questioner please! Sethoz, your questions?  
  
Sethoz: ohhh! Connor, kill Angel! Umm, heere's one for Wes... wait he's a pail of gloop. Okay faith, no she's gone to... I got it!  
  
Bring Spike and ask him out of Buff or ANY female from Angel who he prevers...  
  
Star: First of all, No killing! Connor, get *back* in your seat! Spike is out, and... Spike, what *are* you doing?  
  
Spike: I'm not answering that one.  
  
Star: They asked who you prefer. Not who's the one you love.  
  
Spike: Okay, Dru for suprising me, Buffy for enchanting me, and Cecily to kill.  
  
Star: *okay*!  
  
Insane!: Okay...I'm back... And i'm gonna be nice this time. I mean it. *Smiles politely* See...they've found this cure for my Insanity...and tada! Me. Just plain old, NOT insane me.  
  
Enough about me though, I just had to tell Buffy that sleeping with Spike was Not exactly something many people would regret. You shoulda' gotten off your damn high-horse and admitted that soul or not, Spike was a good man...pire.  
  
Of course, you had your reasons for feeling off about it. What most people fail to realise is that there are two sides to every story. And most of the time, we can only see one...  
  
But then, back to the Connor/Dawn thing. I don't get it! It's beyond wrong! On sooo many levels...*Stops ranting almost too easily* Oh well...once again...two sides to every story...  
  
Hmm...what else is there to ask? Oh yeah...I know i've asked this in the other talk-show, but Star, yours is unique and i gotta know how they're gonna answer me here...So, how do you all feel about your fanfic characterisations?  
  
And also, some of the situations can be a little controversial and outrageous too...such as Spike and Buffy having kids, or Lindsey knocking Cordy up...*Chuckles nervously*...BUT, (best cliche ever, "there's always a but")when they are written properly, most of these ideas can be quite entertaining to the reader. I was wondering though, how do they affect you guys?  
  
Anywho...thank you all for taking the time to answer my questions...again. Thankyou Star, for taking the time to *get* them to answer, and hanks to my doctor and pharmacist for giving me these little tablets to make me sane again. *Smiles*  
  
Until next time, I bid you all farewell. *Bows and finds herself being ushered back to her seat*  
  
Star: Who let her up here? Okay, answer the questions.  
  
Angel: Fanfic representations? What's fanfic?  
  
Cordy:I think it's those stories really obsessive fan write about stuff like Star Trek.  
  
Star:Oh boy! Guys, fanfic is where people like me can write stories where people like you do really stupid things, and people can write reviews, and tell them how bad it is!  
  
Connor: Why would you do that?  
  
Star: Cos we're weird, and obsessive. Well, I am! Anyway, the lady..  
  
Darla: What lady?  
  
Star : (through gritted teeth) Insane1 asked what do you think of it.  
  
Fred: I kinda like it. There's so much of me and Charles sharin' stuff, and being friendly, and y'all are happy.  
  
(Everyone is staring at her)  
  
Fred: I found some when I looked up my name on the internet. Star: *Right*. Moving on!  
  
Bethy the Vampire Slayer: Firstly Conner and Dawn SUCK!!!! let angel com-shuk wiv cordy to piss buffy off. then he can go evil and kill conner&dawn and Fred&gun! Also wen u get joss in tell him that tomorrow made no friggin sense at all!! wat the hell was he thinking??  
  
p.s Angel Rocks!!!! screw buffy!!(not literaly though!)  
  
Star: I have come to my senses, and agree on the C/D front. They do suck. Connor, honeybunch, I'm gonna have to erase that memory.  
  
Connor: Get it out!  
  
Star: Gone! Angel com shukking with Cordy? Bad idea, then he might actually be *happy* and an apocalypse would come! Because the AI team can't be *happy*! (note heavy use of sarcasm)  
  
Connor: And I like being alive!  
  
Happydapy: kinda like this fic but then again it's kinda hard to follow. but I have questions:  
  
to fred:What the hell was up with picking GUNN? or What are you gonna do now that gunn broke up with you?  
  
To wesly's remains (hopefully they talk): So are you gonna take that wolfram and heart job?  
  
Star: They do talk.  
  
Fred: I like Charles! And can you imagine pancake kisses with *Wesley*? And after this fanfic writer has gone back to her padded cell, we will be free to love each other once again.  
  
Star: So in other words, we will still be subjected to the torture that is your cutesiness.  
  
WR: (wesley's remains) No, I'm not. I'm going to go to Sunnydale, and start an affair with Harmony.  
  
(Everyone stares)  
  
WR: It was a joke!  
  
Lorne: (muttering) With the girls you've been screwing, I doubt it!  
  
Star: Okay, before decharacterisation occurs, we'll move on.  
  
Jas: Hi. I had a question for Angel. Is the only reason you fell in love with Cordy because she's turning into a Buffy clone??  
  
Star: *thank* you! Someone else noticed!  
  
Angel: Buffy? No, Cortdelia's Cordelia, except she's got slimmer, and more fragile, and has a callingshe can't ignore, and blonde hair... Ohh God, I've got to stop!  
  
Star: All ready there, honey!  
  
CLF: Me again!  
  
And since we've started on the sex, I've got a couple more questions :)  
  
First of all: Spike, would you get nekkid? Pretty please? with whip cream on top? mmmm, whip cream and spike....  
  
  
  
Faith and Buffy - could you two fill us in on the exact nature of your relationship?  
  
Connor, what do you think of your mom? Who, being angel's sire, is also your grandma? And I suppose your niece too, since your dad's her grandsire. Yeah, this is pretty much icky.  
  
Lorne, sweetie - how's Vegas treating you? Any chance you could give Faith some counseling? I bet she could use it, and you seem like they guy. Come to think of it, why don't you spend some time with Buffy, too? Help her find her path...hopefully one that involves that nekkid vampire...  
  
And finally Spike, seems like you've got a thing for slayers - if Buffy doesn't wise up, how about you and Faith? Did you ever realize it was her in Buffy's body at the Bronze? And was that night what started your Buffy obsession?  
  
ok, enough questions for now. Looking forward to hearing from you all.  
  
Star: Thanks. Now, Spike?  
  
Spike: Naked? Now?  
  
Star: Uh huh.  
  
Spike: Offstage?  
  
Star: nuh uh.  
  
Spike: No.  
  
Star: Sorry, hon, we *all* wanted to see that! Now Faith and Buffy..  
  
Faith : ( looks at Buffy) We're Slayers.  
  
Buffy: (looking at Faith) Slayers. Yeah. I died, Kendra was called, Kendra died, and Faith was called.  
  
Star: I *hate* Faith/Buffy slash, btw, so you're not going to see any here!  
  
Lorne: I did read Faith, but the reading concerns only her. And Faith is doing good in that prison, she hasn't killed anyone. And Buffy's too screwed up for even me to help her!  
  
Spike: Faith? *that's* who it was? Oh God!  
  
Buffy: (looking at Faith, her eyes wide) What did you *do*!  
  
Faith: B, I was crazy, you killed, the  
  
Spike: She came on to me.  
  
Buffy : WHHAAAAAAAAAT???????  
  
Star: When we come back to them, expect another Slayer to need calling. And I agree, I think it 's true that that's what sparked it off. The obsession. Anyway, Insane1, is back! Take cover!  
  
Insane1: Oh my god...You have attacked me! Oh well...no bother...I say bring it on 'cos like i said, i live for feedback of anykind...*grinning* Anyhow, in relation to this fic...i'm gonna go with the medication is wearing off...*evil smirk* Which means i'm going insane again...YIPPEE!  
  
Star: God rest all the poor souls that lie here, and ensure they find peace.  
  
Insane1: (continues) uestions, questions...I don't know...Angel, what's your favourite even in history? I know you've pretty much been everywhere and done everyone...er...i mean everything...so please, what was the best and most interesting thing for you?  
  
Uh...Spike, what can i ask of you in this crazy state of mine? Ah yes...write me a poem. Let ol' William out and serenade me with poetry. PLEASE? Just one before i get carted off to the funny farm...? And, BTW, i am WAY more sane than Dru and Buffy...if that helps...Actually, another question, what the hell is it with you and the crazy, idiotic, people of the world. I mean all the girls you've been with have been nutballs...aven *I* can see that, and *that's* saying something....  
  
Anywho's...gonna sit down before the men with the white coats take me away...See...heading back to my seat.  
  
Star: Angel?  
  
Angel: Huh?  
  
Star: (makes ushering motions with her hands. Angel blushes)  
  
Angel: Everyone's different?  
  
Star: Not gonna cut it, sweetie! But you can tell me later.  
  
Spike: Trust me. Poetry is *not* a good idea.  
  
Star: I've heard it, I second that!  
  
Buffy: Poetry?  
  
Spike: Bloody Hell!  
  
Star: Saving Spikey's dignity, I hated William, he was a wimp, he now has to answer question two.  
  
Spike : I need to feel dominant. I was uh, a gentleman when I lived, and it changeed. Call it an obsession.  
  
Star: We will!  
  
Crimson Rose: God. I don't think I've laughed this much while reading a fanfic. It's really good ^.^ Anyways, I have a question for Weasley. Of all the women in L.A why did you choose to be with Lilah of all people? God Weasley. You are sad and pathetic.  
  
WR: I know. They've massacred me.  
  
Star: Good point.  
  
Wotcha: YAY! *FINALLY* someone has noticed about the Doyle getting pain with visions and cordy not, I have been waiting a century for someone to bring that up! Anyways, good so far, even though the characters are completely out of... well, character; but I guess that's what makes it so funny!  
  
Ummmm, questions... hmmm. OH, i got it, To Joss' head,: what's with the weird ending to S3? How stupid can you be to do a cliffhanger?  
  
To Buffy: If you could have any of the Angel cast, excluding Angel who would it be? You can choose non-main characters like Lindsay too.  
  
To Cordelia: How can you prefer Angel to the yummy Groo? Angel maybe quite hot, but Groo is way cuter!  
  
Star: I *think* the vision thing is because Cordy was dying, so the PTB offered her demon form, and maybe she's more the right type of demon than Doyle. Or just a continuity error.  
  
(The spectre of Joss appears)  
  
J; I am all powerful, and it made you want to see season four, am I right? (evil grin) Star: Let me translate. After the crappiness of SeasonThree, I figured no- one would watch Season Four. So I put a stupid cliff hanger on the end, couldn't write my way out, and am an idiot. Correct?  
  
J: (hangs head) Yes.  
  
Star: Begone! Unril someone asks a question, anyway!  
  
Buffy: I'd have Gunn. He can fight vamps, *and* is human. And no freaky government drugs. Do you know how *long* I've been looking for that??  
  
Cordy: Groo weas an Angel clone. He was hot with long hair, but once everyone moved onto the realisation Iwas in love with Angel, he became a clone.  
  
Star: Thus ruining a prefectly good character, so Angel could be funny. One final point, Insane1, would you stand up a second?  
  
Insane1: What?  
  
Star: Insane1 is my new co host, so the wacky reviews she writes become part of the show. Many of you will have seen her about, cos she's a great writer, and very funny reviewer,. So R/R and see her in action! Bye bye!  
  
(Insane1 looks dazed, but waves) 


	8. Did I really mean to do this?

A/N: Sorry it's bin a while folks, but as Insane1 and I live on different sides of the *globe* it's kinda difficult to write a fic quickly.  
  
Insane1: Aaaaand Welcome Back! As Star has mentioned, I am now co-hosting for a little while and during the break I managed to confuse and scare the wits out of pretty much each one of our guests..  
  
Star: Excuse me. *I'm* the main host here, so *I* get to do the intro. So there! (sticks tongue out) Welcome back. Insane1's gone powercrazy, and well, basically, well *look* at them! (indicates cast)  
  
(As we look around the stage, we see the group fighting over the farthest seat from Insane1. They all pause, nod in support of the previous statement, and proceed to fight for the chairs on the other side of the room again.)  
  
Insane1: (Stands and whistles sharply.) Time out guys! Just sit down and shut up until the questions start firing at you. I won't do anything to annoy or threaten you while-  
  
Wes: I seem to recall that *you* were one of the most annoying and frequent questioners..And that *you*-  
  
Insane1: *glaring* Okay..Exactly how hard is it to SHUT UP when you're told?  
  
Star: Insane1, I'm *seriously* warning you! (is ignored) Fine! I'll just sit here, shall I?  
  
Insane1: You do that!  
  
Wes: W-well..I.I believe-  
  
Insane1: (rolls eyes and turns to audience) Hands up all who want him BACK into a pile of mush. (Raises hand and waits for audience to follow suit. Star shakes her head and grimaces. It's obvious she's regretting allowing this madwoman to participate.)  
  
Star: I don't recall telling you to turn him back! I like him trampled into the carpet.  
  
Wes: *Shrinking back into seat, submissively (as usual)* Point taken..  
  
(He continues to mumble under his breath)  
  
Insane1: Right then. (Turns to other cast members) Any other problems? (They shake their heads vigorously) Good. I didn't think so. Anyways, it looks like we have some questions from the audience..Yay! This is fun..(Grins and rubs hands together in excitement) Boyslayer, dude, you're up.  
  
Star: Hey! *My* show! I wanna do the first question! Boyslayer: Love this fic :) Anyways, my question is for Angel; Settle it once and for all. What the hell is that tattoo on your back all about?!  
  
Angel: (looking pleased the someone out there ISN'T threatening to attack him, or bugging him about his bad life choices) Well..It's a Griffin. A mixture of graceful creatures of power. It is a creature of myth. There are many stories of it's origin. Some people thought of the griffin as an evil animal who stole people's souls. It's kinda ironic really. They saw the combination as perverse, crippling the griffin by depriving it the ability to fly like the eagle or walk proudly like the lion. They even created a sort of griffin who had the tail of a dragon and always represented evil. This they called the griffin-dragon. But then-  
  
Spike: (rolling his eyes and exaggerating a yawn) Can we get this show on the bleedin' road already? Sometime BEFORE Peaches here bores everyone to premature death?  
  
Angel: What? I was just answering the boy's question.  
  
Spike: And being a bloody ponce about it.  
  
Angel: (stands up and moves towards Spike, fists raised) That's it. You and me. Right here. Right now.  
  
(Spike stands. Star dives between them, pushing Insane1 out of the way. Insane1 stands to one side, looking slightly unhappy at the fact that she's *not* between her two favourite vamps)  
  
Star: Look what you did! They didn't fight before you came along! And guys, (stares at them, and they realise this is the girl who brought Faith in, and set her on Lindsey) Time out! (they nod, scared, and slink back to their seats)  
  
Insane1: There will be NO bruising of the Spike while I'm on watch. (Turns to Spike) And you might wanna stop stirring soulboy up..  
  
Spike: Oh grow up, you stupid bin..  
  
Star: Much as I'm starting to regret my career options, don't complete that sentence, boy, unless you want it to go, 'and Spike turned into a little pile of dust'. Opr I could get Cecily to bring us some of your poetry. What was that word, effulgent?!  
  
Insane1: No. You will stop. BOTH of you. Got it? (Glares at the pair as they both resume their places, Star muttering under her breath something about power crazed lunatics) Good. Now..We have more questions from Jas. Fire away.  
  
Jas: Me again! To Spike- How does it feel to be a little more like Angel now?  
  
Spike: (looking aghast) Like Angel? You think I'm like THE POOF? No bloody way! If I turn into him.. Slayer! Stake me if I turn into Angelus would you?  
  
Buffy: Happily.  
  
Spike; Not happening. I'm not gonna start bloody brooding, just cos I have a soul. The only reason he does that is cos he can't have sex anymore!  
  
Buffy: Oh please, I wanna stake you. Can I?  
  
A glare from Insane1 answers her question and the whiny one shuts up again. (Thank God.)  
  
Jas: To Wesley's remains- When you first came to LA, what was with the whole "Rogue Demon Hunter" thing?  
  
Wes: Ah, yes, Well..I had been let go from the council, but I still felt as if I had a natural talent..A calling, if you will-  
  
Lilah: We won't.  
  
Star: (staring) where the hell did you come from? (glares at Insane1) Now you're brining evil *lawyers*onto my show? Oh God, how to kill you.  
  
Insane1: (trying to back away) I didn't do it!  
  
Lilah: Hey, I'm evil. We have flyer miles.  
  
Star: (looking at Insane1) Did that just make sense?  
  
Insane1: I don't think so.  
  
Wes: Would you shut up? I'm answering a question here. (they glare at him, but he doesn't seem to notice)  
  
Lilah: (sarcastically and patronising) Oooh..I'm sorry. I didn't notice. By the way, How DOES it feel to be spoken to again?  
  
Wes: (ignoring Lilah) Anyway, I pondered on what should become of my knowledge and experience in the field of slaying and-  
  
(At this Buffy and the others that had known Wes in season 3 Btvs start to laugh uncontrollably. Including Angel, who witnessed Wesley in leather pants that "chafe" )  
  
Buffy: Knowledge and Experience? Yeah..The whys and hows to getting your ass kicked..  
  
(Everyone laughs even more and Wes crosses his arms over his chest, indignantly.)  
  
Wes: Go ahead.Laugh at the Watcher. At least I had a reputable..er..occupation..  
  
Cordy: (wiping the tears of laughter from her eyes) Wes, give it up. You referred to yourself as a 'rogue demon hunter' but, lets face it, there was nothing "rogue" about you. And you weren't exactly great with the demon hunting. I seem to recall the *outfit* though.. (cracks up at the memory)  
  
Wes looks even more put out and leans forward to say something that is obviously not going not going to make matters any better. Then he *rememebers* what he was wearing, and gulps, and tries to kill Cordy. Before he can, though, Insane1 speaks up again. (Star is REALLY regretting her decision by now..)  
  
Insane1: (still chuckling) Okay..okay..Enough picking on Wes..  
  
Buffy: Oh *so* not happening! What *was* he wearing?  
  
Cordy: (tries to speak, but collapses laughing)  
  
Wes: (straightens his tie and whispers) Leather pants.  
  
(everyone there howls with laughter. Giles floats in (for some reason) and laughs too, and then everything *gradually* gets back to normal)  
  
Star: Okay, I think we'll leave it there, today. This is too much fun playing with their minds! Press the little button, and tell us what you think. Cos I don't know bout you, but (glares at Insane1 who has put herself on Spike's lap, and is threatening him with a stake if he tries to get rid of her) I'm kinda seeing the madness now! Join us for more mayhem when Insane1 and I can actually be bothered to cross the time distance of Australia to England. 


End file.
